Monday, October 11, 2004
our calender, with love.
i tried not to think and i tried not to mind. but you are always the one who makes me change mie mind. i really tried to hide mie emotions and all. i tried not to give you burdens. nor to anybody in mie life. i tried mie best not to upset anyone. but i jex simply cant take this anymore. when i decide to trust you. you make me change mie mind. not to believe in you. not to confide in you. you are always the one who makes mie life upside down. you are always the one who cheers me up. you are always the one giving me the best. you are always the one supporting me and love me; looking after me. yet you can never understand how mie heart feels. the pain in me and you'll never be able to understand me thou you claim you do.
i can even remember vividly what has happened, what we've went through. i can understand the pain in you. but why cant you understand the pain in us? and i tried to be sensible enough. so i didnt ask much from you all these years. all i hope is to see peace in the both of you. but tell me. is that possible? im really sick and tired of all these. im always on the verge of breaking down. im just clinging on. i just wished to be like an ordinary girl living happily in this world. all i hope is jex a little happiness. is that much i ask fer.?
i swear i did try to understand you and give in to you. but you'll never admit it when you are in the wrong. and you put all the blame on me. is that fair to me? you are always the one hurting him. and all i can see are his tears. he tried to lie convincingly that hes alright. but deep down inside im aware of it. i dont know if i should love you more than i dislike you. i have tried my best to make everything right. i used to tell myself even thou im hurt. its alright. as long as i can make you all happy. ill be contented with what i have. but what i longed fer..will never be fulfiled. i have lost hope. i know i am but im still not giving up cause i have to look after her still. sometimes i really wish to unload mie feelings; pour out mie sorrows. especially when i was in my most defeatist moods. but tell me. can i.? you'll never understand me. but i'll never blame you. cause you are the one i love. you are the one who sees me grow and never ever walked out of mie life. you jex give me the pain without knowing how it hurts me. i admit mie life is unfair. but i wont complain a single thing. cause thats mie life. i got to accept it. and if i had a choice. i wouldnt want to be borned either.
if only you can treat him good. if only you can stop all your sarcastic remarks. if only you can stop maligning me with no proof. i wont be in pain anymore. you can never understand. even when i confide in her. mie tears are there. tell me whats life in fer me. please. i dont wish to hate you. i really dont. its jex that.. i dont know how long im able to take this.
and do you know how it feels like having tears everyday?
{/4:31 PM} Y
